BREAKING NEWS: The Great Continental Exchange

The Brussels Chronicle | March 10, 2025

In what analysts are calling "the most ambitious real estate deal since the Louisiana Purchase," negotiations have reportedly begun for what's being dubbed "The Great Continental Exchange" – a proposal to swap California for Greenland in a three-way transaction that has geopolitical experts reaching for their atlases and blood pressure medication.

"It's quite simple," explained Danish Prime Minister Lars Løkke Rasmussen, who appeared visibly confused at his own press conference. "Denmark gives California to the European Union, Trumpland gets Greenland, and California becomes part of Denmark, which is already part of Europe, so everyone wins, I think? Our legal team is still working out the constitutional implications."

The proposal emerged after the European Union's new Strategic Independence Initiative identified a critical "almond and pistachio gap" in its agricultural defense posture. "A continent cannot claim true strategic autonomy while importing 87% of its trail mix components," stated Ursula von der Leyen, President of the European Commission.

California Governor Gavin Newsom embraced the potential realignment, addressing constituents from his new Copenhagen office. "Universal healthcare, six weeks of vacation, and bike lanes that actually work? Plus, we bring fruits, nuts, and vegetables to a continent that historically considered mayonnaise a vegetable. It's a win-win."

The deal hit a temporary snag when negotiators realized California does not, in fact, possess any nuclear weapons to contribute to Europe's strategic deterrent. "This was disappointing," admitted French President Emmanuel Macron, "but their avocado toast technology is decades ahead of ours, so concessions were made."

In Washington, President Trump celebrated the potential acquisition of Greenland, a long-standing item on his wish list. "It's tremendous ice, the best ice, everybody says so," he stated before unveiling architectural renderings for "Trump Ice Palace Casino & Golf Resort" featuring a proposed 18-hole course where players would use orange balls on the white snow.

White House spokesperson Jason Miller highlighted another benefit: "The President gets to redraw the electoral map and shed about 25 million Democratic voters in one stroke. It's like gerrymandering, but with continents."

When asked about the legal mechanism for such a transfer, Trump’s Attorney General shrugged and said, "We're working with a bold new interpretation of eminent domain that extends to states. Also, we've discovered an obscure clause in the Constitution written in invisible ink that says 'Presidents named Donald can do whatever they want.'"

Meanwhile, Greenlandic officials expressed bewilderment at the entire situation. "We weren't consulted about any of this," said Prime Minister Múte Bourup Egede. "Also, we're not actually for sale, which we've mentioned several times."

European Commission analysts estimate the California acquisition would increase Europe's economic output by 14%, its wine snob population by 87%, and its use of the word "like" by approximately 2,400%.

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*Disclaimer: This is satirical news and not meant to represent actual events or policies.*